Recently, I went back to some old blogs (one of which, I Don’t Get It, I reposted to this site) I posted on my Myspace page back in 2007. While reading them, I noticed that I used a good bit more profanity than I have in my recent work. That doesn’t really bother me, the words , that is, but I began to notice a pattern. It seemed that my points were getting lost in the vernacular and, as I read them today, it is apparent that the language actually overshadows the intention of the piece. Even when I read other blogs and blog comments that contain a gratuitous amount of strong curse words, I feel that the point of the writings is undermined by them.
These observations kind of bothered me at first. I have always been a realist and very aware of the fact that writings or performances need to be a true representation of their content. (I mean, do you really think the situations that are represented by T.V. shows like Grey’s Anatomy or C.S.I really happen without someone yelling the “F” word every now and then? And there is no possible way the strongest word used during a gun fight is damn! ) This is why Showtime, HBO, and the like have successful dramatic shows. People (myself included) want to see things in its real light; not some watered down version. Have you ever watched Good Will Hunting or Harlem Nights on TBS?! Exactly. I realized, though, that I don’t expect there to be no use of profanity; I just have a keener sense of when it’s unnecessary.
I’ve noticed the same mellowing trend across the board. I used to get pissed at people and wasn’t shy to let them know what I thought of them. For instance, If you did something stupid in traffic and almost caused me to wreck, well, you would (bare minimum) get the finger but more times than not, there would be some yelling. Now, I’m just happy neither one of us wrecked and I understand that I have probably done the same to somebody else. I’ve never been a fighter because I feel words have a much deeper effect and require a much more restrained thus, less barbaric, demeanor. With that said, I had never backed down from a confrontation. I respected (or thought I did) where the other person was coming from but KNEW my opinion should be their opinion. Now, I find myself ACTUALLY respecting other people’s views and spend the time formally dedicated to arguing trying to understand their paradigm. I still have my opinions and they are still strong but I present them in a calmer way and do a lot less cussing and a lot more discussing.
My passions are still my passions. I still feel very strongly about issues like racism but I have learned to better handle my vehemence and focus it. I have found this to be much more effective. All I need now is one or two little rhetorical “jabs” to make my position clear. Once they see I’m not cool with that big ass “N” word they just dropped, they usually shut up. If not, they will make a joke and when I don’t laugh, they will get it. Then, it’s over. Nobody gets pissed or worked up and nobody gets out of control. Sometimes this will lead to a discussion (normally starting with “I’m not racist, I have a black friend), in which case, I will indulge myself. Otherwise, it’s water under the bridge but it is still clear which side of it I am on.
This thought process continues across the board. To me, now, moderation just makes sense. I like to have a drink every now and then. A nice Henn and Cola with a cigar or pipe… That’s the life, right there. (Add in listening to the rain hit the trees and a good book and damn, you got me.) I also keep some beer in my mini fridge and from time to time, I will enjoy one or two. I can’t however, tell you the last time I was drunk. It’s just not fun anymore. As I mentioned, I like a fine cigar or a bowl of good pipe tobacco but it’s only a couple times a month that I smoke.
I wouldn’t blame this on age (though, I’m sure it’s a factor) but, rather, one particular little baby boy. Since my son was born, everything has come into focus. All of the anger that I used to let eat me up has been replaced by a resolve and a calm understanding that has taught me how to deliberate and, therefore, how to react less hastily. It all kind of took me by surprise. I listened endlessly to people talking about how having a child changes your life and I thought they were exaggerating but, as I constantly prepare myself for the ensuing conversations about all things life, I realize they were not! It has definitely changed me and done so for the better. In my contemplation, I have realized that education is the only way to change a behavior or cure curiosity on any level. I have to learn how to communicate things in a way that makes the chosen audience understand and relate. So when my son asks me why he can’t smoke, the answer HAS to be something he can relate to and not just “because it’s bad for you” or “your too young.” That’s a cop out. He will have to understand what it can do and how it can take over a life. The challenge for me is to figure out how to explain that to a child in a way he can understand.
My biggest fear used to be ending up in Alabama for my whole life; now it’s that I will hit lazy streaks and not communicate properly with my son. I’ve lived all over and know now that all that is just geography. My wife and son is what life is about. It may be more of a challenge to make a life as a musician here but I have my family. All the rest is just details. I still want and need to be a musician. Period. That’s in me and there’s no getting it out (and I sure as hell don’t want to) but I forget the world even exists when my son looks at me .
Please, don’t get it twisted. I’m still me, an asshole. I will still have my moments and I will always have my sarcastic quips – some of which will be misconstrued or ill-timed and cause a little stir and by no means am I trying to depict myself as a wise or stoic sage. There will be drama in several places along the way. I have just mellowed out, for lack of a better term.
Having a son has changed me. It has changed the way I look at life and how I handle the obstacles that are hidden in the path. If I was ever destined to change the world or make any kind of difference whatsoever, he is the catalyst that will make it possible.
